7 secrets of a healthy dating relationship
At that point, you’re not holding in your farts anymore. You’ve seen where they’ve got hair, you’ve smelled their morning breath. So if you’re not fighting, it’s often a sign of withdrawal.In a sense, you can look at complaining and fighting in an intimate relationship as just ways of showing you care.Arranged marriages sound weird but they have the right attitude: it’s gonna take some work. When I talked to Duckworth about it, her answer was very straightforward. It lasts because we can make it last, because we keep putting in the work. Then, the question becomes, how do we cope with it?But if you do the work, it pays off over the long haul.(To learn the science behind how to be a good kisser, click here.)Okay, lots of talk so far about hard work. Is there a way to be more successful in your career and more successful in your relationship? There’s one quality that leads to good things in both…What does a lot of research say produces success in school and career? It’s because grit determines how we persist in trying situations. People who are particularly low in grit, when love feels like work, they’re more likely to drop out the same way soldiers do at West Point. After assessing fifty-two couples based on their oral history interviews, the psychologists Kim Buehlman, John Gottman, and Lynn Katz at the University of Washington found that the way spouses described their history predicted whether they would get divorced within the next three years with 94 percent accuracy. That’s really what George Vaillant and the Grant Study have looked at. Vaillant has found that what determines how well you adapt is who you love and how you love them. If you go down the list of everything we think we want in life it’s all tied up with the ability to love and be loved.Not that I want my kids to have arranged marriages, but the attitude that they’re premised on, the idea that love is work, that is the right attitude. Someone who won’t give up on you or the relationship? (To learn more about grit from leading expert Angela Duckworth, click here.)Ladies, look for guys with grit. From A Book About Love: Duckworth demonstrated the importance of grit in loving relationships by collecting grit scores from 6,362 middle-aged adults. You can’t live a life free from conflict but you can learn to cope with the hard times until the good times return.Romeo-and-Juliet-style limerence feels great and easy but doesn’t last. Now “grit” may not sound like something you’d praise on Valentine’s Day but that’s just an issue of wording. After analyzing the data, and controlling for the influence of other personality traits and demographic factors, she found that gritty men were 17 percent more likely to stay married. And what helps you cope with the problems of life better than anything? “Our closest relationships determine how we respond to the toughest times in life.” Here’s Jonah: There is no easy life.It’s an astonishing statistic: by simply looking at how couples speak about their past, the scientists could foresee their future. But couples with a future “glorify the struggle.” To simplify: BAD: Every couple is going to go through hard times and go through points where they wonder if they should still be together. But if you pass the finish line, the struggle makes the victory that much sweeter. Our closest relationships determine how we respond to the toughest times in life.
With long-term relationships you should be less concerned with characteristics that reduce the likelihood of conflict and pay more attention to finding someone who has a similar style of dealing with conflict. In contrast, couples with high negativity thresholds—they only complain about serious problems—are much more likely to get divorced. Here’s Jonah: Gottman’s research shows that 3 years into the relationship, if you’re not fighting, that’s the indicator of an unhealthy relationship.Then, the question becomes: how do they talk about it? How they made it through and how they’re stronger because of what happened. Let’s round it up and learn why a relationship that lasts is the key to a happy life…Love is a challenge. We’d like a sure-thing that guarantees happiness and takes away all the pain. If you’ll excuse a superhero analogy, you need to stop trying to be Superman. Some couples talk about it almost like a sign from the gods that they shouldn’t be together. Love is something that can be measured over time and limerence doesn’t pass that test. Because they barely know this person, there is no illusion that they don’t have to put in the work.The purest way to distinguish between limerence and love is: love lasts and limerence doesn’t. Instead, they know by necessity that it’s going to require an investment of effort.